Sapphire Loves....

We engraved a circle in the ground, Perfect, symmetrical, predictable. Except I ran myself into the...

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 15:42:12 -0400

We engraved a circle in the ground,

Perfect, symmetrical, predictable.

Except I ran myself into the ground there dear,

I’m the fool who ploughed that circle the most, expecting

It to become more perfect, less weather-beaten.

Far less excruciating work.

Insanity cuts throats short, voices unheard

Working timidly beneath

You let me continue the circle alone.

You had personal, empty, fruitless pursuits.

Earth stained fingers remain ugly,

Your eyes are planets with which mine

Perfectly align.

Regardless we fall.

Contained safely in four magnolia walls

We sit.

Innocent and blind.

It’s terrible how a circle can ruin everything.

Time has gone, the alignment derailed.

However awkwardly positioned limbs

Will writhe gracefully

Between the sheets tonight.

Led into the hot cavity Of heavy thudding walls and Pink residue And then the bones slammed shut. I...

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 05:14:19 -0400

Led into the hot cavity

Of heavy thudding walls and

Pink residue

And then the bones slammed shut.

I tried to cut a limb off

But it just grew back

Stronger, yearning once again.

The blood flow subverted.

I am the shriveled aorta in your chest

The severed chamber in your heart

The broken instinct in your brain.

I’ll fracture my way out, shard by shard.

You can’t keep me in here forever my love.

There is a world outside of you.

My stomach writhes at the thought

Of her.

She isn’t trapped too, tell me,

Where do you keep her?

When a limb is dead and decaying, you cut it off, but then it won’t feel right, you...

Sun, 19 May 2013 12:23:08 -0400

When a limb is dead and decaying, you cut it off, but then it won’t feel right, you won’t have an arm. You just want it to stop going bad because you feel like you can’t live properly, nothing will be the same afterwards. But you know that if you leave it, you’ll slowly turn bad yourself, everything will become numb and dead, blindly wishing your arm wasn’t dying so much so it makes you sick, it isn’t fair. You cut the limb off and you gained the rest of your health but you won’t ever be able to have that arm back. Not once it’s cut off for good.

Photo

Thu, 09 May 2013 06:47:14 -0400

You broke up with me again. If we could go back to this time last year, and for someone to come up...

Tue, 07 May 2013 15:27:42 -0400

You broke up with me again.

If we could go back to this time last year, and for someone to come up to you in the street and show you a clip of what we are like now, apart, hopeless, with no future. Would you believe them?

Of course you wouldn’t.

After a series of men who had lied, cheated, cheated, cheated. Emotionally abused me. Disrespected me. I found you. And you couldn’t believe how I had been treated, and vowed not to be like that. Ever. You wouldn’t stop going on about our future; seeing the world, a house, marriage, kids, the whole deal. It was all I had ever wanted, security, safety.

Less than a year together we moved in together. Looking back it still seemed right. The timing was perfect, we couldn’t be any more ready. We absolutely adored each other. We had so much fun. Did all the usual couples shit. I loved it. We were stupidly in love. Everything was effortless.

And three months into us living together, everything changed. And that was half a year ago now. Since then we have split twice. You started drinking a lot, neglecting us, me, everything we spent ages building up, slowly got taken down.

We split in January. I was shocked, despite the signs. But you always used to tell me about our future. And how we couldn’t possibly split, you couldn’t see it ever happening. So I believed you. I believed you would stick around through everything. Because you loved me, right?

I spent two weeks in our house. With our little cat. Wishing I was dead. Everything I had ever wanted simultaneously got ripped out from underneath my feet yet slowly stolen from me over a matter of about three months. We couldn’t even last over three months living together. I wanted a home, you wanted a place to drink with your friends. Oh how things change. I don’t know how I survived those two weeks, these past six months. All of it. I’m barely hanging by a thread. Everything is so delicate.

So you moved out, and on that day I was there. You were there, oddly comforting me. We agreed stupidly to carry on sleeping together. This terrible cycle of ‘Well is he using me? Or..’ went on for a long time. It seemed only your true emotions would come out when you were drunk and perhaps vulnerable.

I asked myself and you what the fuck were we doing, what happened? You would tell me you loved me, so I would say well why aren’t we together? Because you can’t commit. Because you want to go travelling for a year without me. You don’t want to share anything with me.

We tried things out for four days in March. Another girl caught your eye. You were talking to her right under my nose, in our house. It failed.

On and off ‘no-contact’ attempts. It wouldn’t work. Neither of us wanted to keep away from the other. It killed me.

Finally we get back together end of March. Properly this time yeah? We work things out. You move back in. But you can’t keep it up. You can’t stick to a decision these days. When we are good we are how we always were, when we are bad it’s draining.

It’s such a shame, I can’t bear it. ‘We weren’t always like this’, I say to anyone who will listen. He wasn’t always like this. You used to cheer me up when I was down and depressed, you took on my depression when you began with me. It didn’t seem to faze you, even though I know it scared you when I got really bad. But you were there for me. You would just be like, ‘Think of the amazing future we have together.’ And my pain would go away. We used to do everything together, no question. It was so fucking easy. If we ever argued, we hated it and we wanted to make up. The sex will remain the best I have ever had because of how much I love you and how gorgeous you are to me. Even you still don’t doubt that. But sex isn’t enough, sadly, and neither is love.

You have reached the point where you can’t even be bothered to try again. I think whatever warmth I had left in me was snuffed out right there.

I would give up most things to be how we were and I don’t give a fuck what anyone says because how we were is worth everything to me, I would give up all material possessions, anything I can, to have it back to that point. Because oddly, it was the best and most healthy relationship I ever had, apart from when it went downhill obviously. It was like a switch had been flicked. Like our good times and effortless times were up, that’s it, that’s all we were allowed.

I am back to square one. I have to watch you move out again. You say the intense feelings of love have gone, that you still love me, but it isn’t enough to work us out.

We have such a deep connection, that I can’t bear to cut you out of my life. We have plans together in the near future, and I don’t know what to do anymore. We had a few things in the pipeline, but they are all gone.

I think this time it’s really over. We are beyond repair in your eyes, and you have sadly been calling all the shots in this relationship for a long time, so that’s that. It doesn’t matter what I want, and it hasn’t truly for months.

We had everything. But you don’t even want what we had. Perhaps it wasn’t ever that good to you. It isn’t rose tinted glasses, it really was as good as I believed it to be. Everyone was so happy for me. They were even the second time around. my family loved you, they still do. They are sad we didn’t work out. I thought you and I were it. That we would last forever. Everyone thinks that about any relationship, but you were different from the rest in many ways, but in the end common in one - you broke my heart into such tiny pieces I won’t fully mend, like a complete fracture that heals over, you can always see the lasting effects of the damage.

I don’t doubt there is someone else. Absolutely everyone I speak to has told me they truly believe there is or was someone else at some point. I used to trust you 110%, no way would you cheat. I never cheated, I didn’t even notice other men, because why would I? In my eyes you were gorgeous and just what I wanted. But sadly that trust was broken when you messaged someone else, no matter how harmless you claimed it to be. Since then I wonder if you are talking to someone else, making them feel like how you should be making ME feel.

But you don’t want to try anymore. I feel so cold. All I ever wanted was that future you promised me. Everything else fell into place when you came along, and now every aspect of my life is disjointed and won’t come together.

You do not deserve me or my love. But the horrible thing is, nothing feels right without you, even though things haven’t been right between us for a long time.

There are no more words or ways in which I can express just how much I love you, and how absolutely distraught I feel at how our relationship has gone so downhill to beyond the point of repair.

I can just keep saying them three words to you, but they won’t warm your heart the way they used to. I feel so sick, tormented, I can’t sleep. The next couple of weeks, like last time we split, were supposed to be filled with fun times and love, and happiness.

Instead, I will be watching you leave our home, whilst trying to get through exam revision and assignments, which I am struggling to do, and quite frankly have lost all interest in completing. I know that’s terrible, but when someone you love has left you, it affects people in strange ways, and life just is not the same.

We could have had a good life, but it is not the life you want. You want to travel alone, be free. Happy. I love you and I want you to be happy. Even though I shouldn’t want you to be happy after what you have put me through, but I don’t hold grudges. It isn’t my thing.

In an ideal world my love, you would be coming home to me next Monday, excited, happy. I don’t think I can describe my pain anymore.

I adore you. Holding back on kissing you when I next see you will just break me more.

There is a good quote that is breaking my heart into more pieces and consoling me in equal measure:

‘If you love something let it go, if it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be.’

PG, DF and all those lovely nicknames.

Don’t lose the scrapbook. <3

Tired of being the “good enough for now girl”.

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 18:10:53 -0400

Tired of being the “good enough for now girl”.

I don’t always feel comfortable posting statuses on Facebook because a lot of the time my...

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 09:59:05 -0400

I don’t always feel comfortable posting statuses on Facebook because a lot of the time my actual thoughts and feelings would be of someone who is miserable as sin and people think that it’s socially inappropriate to post anything suggestive of feeling really shit, as though you are only allowed to post things when your life is brilliant and going your way. Also no one gives a shit. But then I think, well, life isn’t all amazing and you only see little snippets of everyones lives on here and I wonder if they really are as happy as they make out? That everything is going fine and everything is happy and lovely. I doubt it, I call bullshit on that. Also it seems for show, like for example having one too many photos of a couple who got engaged after like three months of being together, who are both rather gushing about how they feel like they have known each other all their lives, yeah. There is a lot of that. If they are happy then great but they should expect to publicly look like a fool if it fails. Sometimes deactivating Facebook is like a detox. Meaning I cleanse that shit out of my head for a while before I can face logging back on just so I can stay in contact with certain people. It’s all just a constant parade of peoples lives whereas I just tell it like it is, but I struggle because people don’t always like it if you make a post about how your day was not so great.

It’s hard when you’re the one who is being left behind.

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 13:22:35 -0400

It’s hard when you’re the one who is being left behind.

It’s really hard to know what to say or think when you can literally see everything going...

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 07:02:27 -0500

It’s really hard to know what to say or think when you can literally see everything going down the drain right in front of you. Everything was so beautiful, we were so happy, and I still know you’re the one. But I am not the one for you, and that breaks me into so many pieces. I’m sitting here in our house, our lovely little house, with our cute little black kitten. And you’re offshore at work for two weeks now, and saying you can’t be in a relationship with me right now. I was depressed for other reasons for a while now, but I have now turned my phone off, shut all the curtains and blinds, took the landline off so it runs out of battery, and am laying in the spare room because I cannot bear to lay in our bed. I can’t do this. That’s what I keep saying over and over in my head, “I can’t do this”. It has always been sapph and Kyle, always, and I can’t just sit and let it all go to waste. You’re always there for me, we put up with each others’ shit because we love each other. You’re my whole world. Why did we ever move in together? You said last week you wouldn’t break up with me, we could just move out but carry on being together. I can’t stand this pain. It isn’t just you I would miss, it’s your family, and your friends. Your friends, I would miss them too. We used to have amazing sex, now we never sleep together, because for some reason I just can’t, and I hate myself for it. I love you so much though, that never changes. It won’t change. A million horrible thoughts are running through my head right now, like how if we really split up and it all goes to shit, I cannot bear to see you with someone else. You’re meant to be with me, your little d-fruit. How am I supposed to cope in this house alone for the next two weeks? With all this racing in my mind? I have been dumped before, but this is you. You’re different, my feelings for you are different, the situation is different. And I’m scared of what you’re going to say to me next on the phone or on whatsapp. That you haven’t missed me. You keep saying that I won’t miss you really. Of course I will, I miss you now, I would give all of my possessions to have you back here with me, everything ok. This can’t be happening, not to us, it’s all been said before by a million other girls but seriously, not us, this can’t be happening. I cannot be without you, I love you to pieces. I don’t even want to go to work, I don’t want to speak to family or friends, but I can’t be isolated either, I just want you. But I can’t have you. And it looks like I can never have you. I can’t do this, it’s killing me, please come home.

LUSH PLEASE MAKE JUNGLE PERFUME AGAIN AND MAKE IT PERMANENT URGH WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MEEE

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 16:17:16 -0500

LUSH PLEASE MAKE JUNGLE PERFUME AGAIN AND MAKE IT PERMANENT URGH WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MEEE

Mac upcoming collection wishlist (and other Mac things):

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 17:39:13 -0500

Frost at Midnight mineralise eyeshadow from Apres Chic collection 2013
Slightly Nude mineralise lip balm from Apres Chic collection 2013
Fresh Salmon lipstick from Lovely collection 2013
Heartless lipstick from Lovely collection 2013
Mac Dark Side lipstick
Mac Media lipstick
Mac Jubilee lipstick

Lush Wishlist:

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 17:05:49 -0500

Fairy Jasmine bath bomb (retro)
Father Christmas bath bomb
Party Popper bath bomb
Twilight bath bomb
Christmas Eve bubble bar
Karma bubble bar
Pop in the Bath bubble bar
A French Kiss bubble bar
Sunnyside bubble bar
Karma bath melt
You’ve been Mangoed bath melt
Aqua Mirabilis body buffer/butter
Karma cream hand and body lotion
Cosmetic Warrior face mask
Flying fox shower gel 250 size
Shine so bright
Veganese conditioner 100 size
Big solid conditioner
Seanik solid shampoo bar
Sun 25g size perfume

This all comes to like £120. FML! Will have to buy it in two stints when my loan comes in, and I am getting a frick tonne of Lush for Christmas, sooo sooooo excited!

Bliss, Body Shop and Lush haul! I picked up a few things from...

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 15:23:34 -0500

Bliss, Body Shop and Lush haul!

I picked up a few things from Lush as I had completely ran out of bath bombs, melts and bubble bars! So I picked up a Twilight bath bomb, a Karma bubble bar, The Comforter bubble bar (never used before, what a sin!) The Enchanter bath bomb (also never used!), and a Melting Snowman bath melt. All delicious, and I am excited because soon all my stuff I asked for Christmas from Lush will join it, I have so much Lush coming for Christmas it’s actually insane!

Went to Debenhams and got a load of Bliss stuff, which is a sister company for Elemis, and I never knew this! So that set of three you see there was ridiculously good value for money. Altogether, those items separately come to over £60, but I got it for £14.50! A steal! It has a Pore Perfecting facial scrub, a delicious smelling face wash and a big tube of Lemon and Sage body butter! So then the lady said, if you buy one more thing you get a free gift, so I got the Blood Orange and Pepper bath gel for £15. They all smell so good, and the free gift is amazing, it’s an entire range of their lemon products, including shampoo and conditioner, soap, oh my goodness, got all that lot for under thirty pounds! When it should have cost me thrice that! So pleased!

Also today the UK Glamour mag had Body shop giftcards in them, and depending on what code you had on the back of it, you could either get 3, 15 or 100 pounds to spend in store, and while people in front and behind us in the queue got £3 gift cards I got £15! Was very happy, so I needed a new body scrub and they were sold out of the coconut one, so I got the cocoa butter one, it looks so rich and smells divine! Then I also got the Chocomania lip butter.

All in all a successful day, will post reviews about all the products later :)

Collective review of all the products I have used from my last Lush haul!

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 09:37:27 -0400

I did not take pictures of how the bath looked or anything and I MUST get into the habit of doing so but I am sure many of you have seen pictures of what the Lush bath ballistics look like in action!

Big Blue Bath Ballistic:

I love love love this! And because it is so big, I usually get two uses out of it! It smells zingy and fresh, like citrus-y lemon-y and limes, just, mm! I like that it has lots of bits of sea weed in it, and it turns the water a turquoise blue. I don’t think it’s the most moisturising bath ballistic but still, I like it and will repurchase.

Price: £3.20

Verdict: 4/5

Blackberry Bath Ballistic:

This one is just as big and is so moisturising that I don’t even have to put body lotion on after a bath with this! I also love the little bit of paper inside the bath ballistic, was a nice touch. This smells very fruity and has some floral notes in it too. I will always repurchase this.

Price: £2.95

Verdict: 5/5

Avobath Bath Ballistic:

I love anything that smells like lemons or any fresh smell, and this one ticks all the right boxes. Again, it is a decent size, so perhaps would get two uses out of it, except I didn’t do that, I chucked the whole thing in, and it was delicious. Turns the bath water a creamy green and the scent lingers on the skin, and in the air.

Price: £3.20

Verdict: 5/5

Dorothy Bubble Bar:

I really love the smell of this, floral and fresh, and I get two uses out of this, the bubbles it creates are immense! And it makes my skin and the bathroom smell so damn good! It contains ylang ylang oil and orange oil in, which explains the floral/fresh combination. Always repurchase!

Price: £2.99

Verdict: 5/5

Pop in the Bath:

This to me smells like fresh fields and flowers, but with a sweet tinge to it, I managed to use this twice, and it produces so many bubbles, how do Lush do that?? This was the first ever time I had used it and I will buy it again. The smell didn’t kast as long as Dorothy though.

Price: £2.90

Verdict: 4/5

Herbalism Facial Cleanser:

This has the right amount of scrub in it, and is recommended for spot prone skin, which is me :( It smells like vinegar and I actually quite like the smell but most people tend to hate it. It contains ground almonds which slough off dead skin cells and has rose and chamomile in it to calm and balance the skin. It lasted me a long time, and left my skin so soft and smooth but I don’t think it helped to clear up my skin per se, it did control oil pretty well though.

Price: £6.25

Verdict: 3.5/5

Dark Angels Facial Cleanser:

This is very VERY abrasive, but my skin felt so deeply cleaned afterwards! I wanted to love this though, but because of how abrasive it is, I think it made me break out, not because of the ingredients but because it aggravated my skin a little bit. I am unable to use it up because of this reason. I am wondering whether to try Aqua Marina or Let the Good Times Roll or Fresh Farmacy, you know, something less abrasive! I did love the smell of it, and my skin has NEVER felt that smooth, but then again, because of the grains in it, no wonder!

Price: £6.25

Verdict: 2/5

Love Lettuce Fresh Face Mask:

I am impressed with this. After wanting to move away from Cupcake because my skin does not always warrant using it, I decided to try this one, because I love lavender and I know my skin agrees with it. Plus it is the only one that is particularly scrubby. I put it on using circular motions and leave it for ten minutes and wash it off. My skin looked brighter and felt lovely, and it REALLY calmed my skin down, despite the scrubby ground almond shells. I will repurchase this!

Price: £5.95

Verdict: 5/5

Catastrophe Cosmetic Fresh Face Mask:

Another product that I am impressed with. Not only does it smell like blueberry pie, it really calms my skin as well. I think it must be the calamine powder in it. It has no scrubby bits in it, but my skin felt very soft afterwards. I will also be buying this again (bye bye money!)

Price: £5.95

Verdict: 5/5

Big Shampoo:

Oh my god I love everything about this. I asked for a sample of this aaages ago, and I was so skeptical because of the large bits of sea salt in it, I was thinking to myself, “How do those sea salt bits not get stuck in your hair, and how does it lather properly??” Well, it does and they don’t get stuck. I hardly need any and it produces a lovely soft silky foam and the smell! It smells like fresh tropical seas, really fresh, and it lingers on my hair until I next wash it. I did not notice a change in the volume of my hair, but to be honest I bought it for the softening properties and the smell, not volumising purposes :) so yes I will buy this when I run out but I don’t think it will be any time soon! I recommend anyone should buy this if they buy anything from Lush.

Price: £11.25

Verdict: 5/5

Rub Rub Rub Body Scrub:

This is the best body scrub I have ever used! It isn’t too abrasive and it is incredibly mosturising. And it is a good sized tub. AND it smells so nice, I think it’s partly down to the mimosa in it. I love Mimosa. Everything about it is amazing.

Price: £7.95

Verdict: 5/5

Miranda Soap:

This is very creamy soap, is moisturising and fruity. I use it everyday and the smell lingers and it scents my bathroom the most. It contains Fresh Kiwi, Juniperberry Oil and ylang ylang oil, which makes for a heady concoction! Can sometimes make me feel a little sick for some reason though but I will carry on using it!

Price: £3.40 per 100 grams

Verdict: 4/5

Sea Vegetable Soap:

This smells like lemons and limes and grapefruits and has bits of nori seaweed in it. I like this because it wakes me up, yet I don’t use it in the morning, I use Miranda, I use Sea vegetable at night, is that weird? I will buy this again.

Price: £3.10 per 100 grams

Verdict: 5/5

Ghost Shower Jelly:

When I saw this I was like MUST BUY QUICK and sure enough it didn’t take very long to sell out and never to be bought again, well, for another year anyway! It smells like baby powder to me, perhaps that’s the floral lilies in them, but yeah, it reminds me of babies haha! I don’t mind that though, some baby products smell lovely. I love the scary face in the jelly too, made me laugh, oh Lush :P the smell lingers nicely and doesn’t lather lots but I didn’t expect it to!

Price: £4.95

Verdict: 4/5

So there you have it, I have reviewed the lot, and my bathroom is chock full of Lush, just the way I like it. Cannot WAIT to try all my Christmas haul stuff, and I am not even done buying yet, my boyfriend is going to kill me haa.

Part One of my Christmas Lush Haul! I think I have in total...

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 08:30:54 -0400

Part One of my Christmas Lush Haul! I think I have in total spent like 200 or more in the past few weeks…

So anyway, here is what I got, and I will post reviews as I use them!

Bath Ballistics:

Father Christmas Ballistic

Bubble bars:

Christmas Eve
Candy Mountain

Soaps:

Snow Globe
Mr Punch
Northern Lights
North pole

Lip Scrub:

Popcorn

Shower Gel:

Snow Fairy

Shower Jelly:

Calacas

Sample I got:

Mask of Magnaminty

I will post what else I got later!

So I have been buying farrrr to much Lush lately, so I thought I...

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 03:25:01 -0400

So I have been buying farrrr to much Lush lately, so I thought I should do a haul post about them all. I haven’t used everything yet but obviously they will not remain unused for long!

Bath bombs:

Big Blue
Magic (halloween collection)
Blackberry Bomb
Avobath
Jacko (halloween collection)

Bubble bars:

Witches Ball (halloween collection)
Dorothy
Pop in the bath (I did use it though…)

Bath melts:

Something wicked this way comes (halloween collection)

Toner Tab:

A Token to the Forest Gods

Facial cleansers:

Herbalism
Dark Angels

Fresh Face Masks:

Love Lettuce
Catastrophe Cosmetic

Hair shampoo:

Body scrub:

Rub rub rub

Soaps:

Miranda soap
Sea vegetable

Shower Jelly:

Ghost (halloween collection)

The products that I have used I will post full reviews of them. I also have another Lush haul to do in the next few days as when I saw all the christmas stuff was on their website I died a little with excitement and spent like forty quid getting some stuff, and I am still not done, I may go to my local Lush today, even though it isn’t all out in store yet. Too much excitement, damn you Lush, I have spent about 150 quid on you recently, thank goodness for my student loan!

Photo

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 16:09:03 -0400

Girls who put their job on Facebook as “Full time Mommy!!” Why.

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 15:24:21 -0400

Girls who put their job on Facebook as “Full time Mommy!!” Why.

I need red hair again. SO THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN, POOR HAIR.

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 16:48:05 -0400

I need red hair again. SO THE CYCLE BEGINS AGAIN, POOR HAIR.

So there really is such a thing as trash a guru forum where everyone posts insults aimed...

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 16:40:14 -0400

So there really is such a thing as trash a guru forum where everyone posts insults aimed at YouTube gurus, such as icallitambrosia, grav3yardgirl, pixiwoo, pixi2woo, fleurdeforce, I could go on. All I can say is wow. Get. A. Life. If you don’t like their videos, GUESS WHAT??? DON’T WATCH THEM??? And don’t waste your time giving your two cents worth on why you don’t like their make-up or how they’re fat or ugly. Just get off the internet and crawl back to your cave, you’re a disgrace to the human race. Puts me off doing YT videos….